


An Honest Mistake

by barbaesparza



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Barisi - Freeform, Early Relationship, Established Relationship, Honesty, Insecurity, Inspired by Learn To Let Go by Kesha but not a songfic, Light Angst, Love Confessions, M/M, Overthinking, Please show up in the Barisi tag, Relationship Doubt, Smittenness, heat of the moment
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-08
Updated: 2018-02-08
Packaged: 2019-03-13 09:48:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,863
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13568019
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/barbaesparza/pseuds/barbaesparza
Summary: Rafael made a mistake.mistakemɪˈsteɪk/noun1.an act or judgement that is misguided or wrong.Okay, so maybe telling Sonny that he loves him when they'd only been dating for two weeks was misguided. But was it wrong? Could the truth be wrong? Could love ever be wrong?





	An Honest Mistake

**Author's Note:**

  * For [OblivionCastro](https://archiveofourown.org/users/OblivionCastro/gifts).



> Happy birthday, Kayla!  
> I hope you enjoy this little thing. I tried to write you angst, but, well... you be the judge :)  
> May all your wishes come true, may you get to meet Kesha.
> 
> This fic was misguidedly inspired by Learn To Let Go by Kesha. It's not really what the song's about at all.

As Rafael comes down, he revels in the image of Sonny falling apart beneath him, a litany of moans and curses which sound so sweet to his ears.

He’s still not used to it, being able to see Sonny like this.

Sonny is so raw, so real, so beautiful, his heart would break if it wasn’t so full.

Mesmerized, Rafael presses a kiss to Sonny’s temple. He leans back, keeping his eyes on Sonny, and strokes the hair away from Sonny’s eyes.

When Sonny opens his eyes, his eyes lock onto Rafael’s, and he’s hit with a wave of emotion.

Sonny gives him a slight smile, still too lost in his haze to do anything more. But his eyes tell Rafael everything he needs to know.

Maybe, just maybe, Sonny is in this just as deep as Rafael.

Rafael can’t shake the thought that Sonny is so _right,_ right for him.

That’s when he slips.

“I love you,” Rafael sighs, and it’s out before he’s realized it, and he can’t shove it back in.  Everything goes out of focus. He’s a dumbass, and it hasn’t even been two weeks, but he loves Sonny.

Maybe he hadn’t heard.

Sonny tenses beneath him. He heard.

He doesn’t say anything.

It’s too soon, and Sonny doesn’t love him.

God, he knows he screwed up, and he’s half expecting Sonny to just make an excuse and leave, but that doesn’t happen. Sonny doesn’t move, just keeps holding him, and then he kisses him, and doesn’t let go. Rafael doesn’t know whether the air is laced with confusion or desperation. Confusion for what this means, desperation to feel each other’s love. Perhaps both.

Rafael holds on to every brush of Sonny’s lips against his, to every time Sonny’s arms tighten around him before slowly relaxing, only for it to happen again. As if making sure Rafael is still there, that he’s real.

He falls asleep in Sonny’s arms, and when he wakes up, Sonny is still there next to him.

Maybe it will all be alright, he thinks, as they get showered and dressed for the day, Sonny giving Rafael a soft, lingering kiss before leaving for a change of clothes.

It’s not alright.

He doesn’t hear from Sonny all day. Radio silence.

He doesn’t want to worry, he doesn’t want to be clingy. He knows how hard it is to remember to keep in touch when the job is so demanding.

It could be normal, he rationalizes. It would be normal, but before they were even dating, when they were just dancing around each other, Sonny would check up on Rafael at least once during the day. Just a simple ‘Hey’ or ‘Don’t forget to eat’ or some clever observation or joke that would have Rafael smiling unexpectedly.

This is unusual for Sonny.

Once he’s home, Rafael tries calling. Sonny doesn’t pick up.

He thinks about trying again but types up a text instead.

_Hey, how was your day?_

He presses send and leaves his phone on the coffee table.

He checks it once when he finishes cooking and then again during dinner.

By the time Rafael goes to bed, Sonny still hasn’t replied.

He tries not to glance back to his phone, now on the bedside table, and instead stares at the ceiling, aware of how unmistakably his bed smells like Sonny.

If he’s right, if this is about them, how Rafael feels about Sonny, how Sonny feels, or doesn’t feel, about Rafael, then he’ll give him some space, he thinks.

So when he doesn’t hear anything from Sonny the next day, Rafael doesn’t try to contact him.

By the end of the day though, Rafael’s anxiety starts to prevail over the notion of allowing Sonny room to think.

That night, Rafael doesn’t sleep.

He's already thinking ahead, trying to prepare himself for _if._

He tells himself he'll have to let Sonny go, he'll have to try, if Sonny decides he'll be happier without Rafael.

If he really loves Sonny, he will. He'd put Sonny's happiness before his own any day.

He really does love Sonny.

He aches, wondering what Sonny's doing now.

Is he hesitating because he doesn't know how to tell Rafael he doesn't love him back?

Or, Rafael hopes, his heart fluttering, because he's trying to find the words to tell him he still wants to see him even if he hasn't developed those feelings yet?

Unlikely.

Perhaps this is his way of breaking it off. Maybe this was just a physical thing, something nice with someone he'd grown close to, but nothing serious. Certainly not serious enough to even think about... feelings.

But he knows Sonny. He knows that whatever his decision, Sonny's hurting.

He doesn't want Sonny to hurt, he doesn't want him to hurt even more because of him.

 _It's all your fault_ , his thoughts supply. He sighs. He really hadn't meant to put this kind of pressure on Sonny. How can he fix this?

He’s barely closed his eyes at an attempt to sleep, when the sunlight starts streaming through the crack in the curtains.

He knows it’s a fruitless pursuit, so instead he switches off his alarm and heads straight for the coffee machine.

He makes himself eat a piece of toast, going through the motions. He stares at the photo of the two of them Sonny had given him when they were just friends, stuck onto the fridge with a magnet. His birthday. Sonny had grabbed him, put his arm around his shoulder and stuck a camera in his face, claiming he needed a photo with the birthday boy. Rafael had blushed, their faces pressed close for mere seconds. Afterwards, Sonny had lingered, his arm hanging casually around him, steering him over to the table so he could pour him another drink. He’d known then, how right it had felt. He hopes it hadn’t been the last birthday he’d spend with Sonny.

Without wanting to crowd him, he sends off a simple ‘Morning, Sonny’ on his way to work, knowing Sonny would be in his Uber.

No response.

Nothing for the rest of the day.

At the end of the day, Rafael decides tentatively to drop by the precinct, managing to catch Sonny as he’s getting ready to leave.

Sonny sees him almost instantly and looks away, his brow furrowing with something that looks like doubt.

Rafael approaches him slowly, as if trying not to frighten him away, and tries to keep his expression neutral.

“What’s wrong, Sonny?” he asks quietly, delicately.

“Nothing,” Sonny says, clearly aiming for breezy. “Nothing’s wrong.”

“Please, talk to me.”

“I-” Sonny meets Rafael’s eye hesitantly, biting his lip.

“You’ve been avoiding me.”

“Um.”

“Are you okay?”

“Sure, I’m fine,” Sonny says, not sounding very certain.

“Okay,” Rafael allows. “Do you want to come back to my place tonight?”

Sonny takes just a moment too long to answer. Something feels wrong.

He waits for an answer, whatever Sonny decides.

But no words come.

He keeps his eyes trained on Sonny who is now intent on rolling his sleeves back down.

“This is about the other night,” Rafael whispers.

“No,” Sonny denies transparently.

“It’s about what I said,” Rafael says, more to himself than to Sonny. “Sonny, please, let me explain.”

Sonny finally brings his eyes up to Rafael, and Rafael reads fear there. “You don’t have to, I- there’s nothing- I just, I…”

“Sonny,” Rafael says gently. "You don't have to love me, you don't ever have to love me, really. But please, don't push me away.”

He pauses to take a shaky breath. "I won't take it back though. It’s the truth,” he says with conviction, swallowing nervously before continuing. “I’ve never been happier, and I love you. And I thought you were happy too,” he finishes a little sadly.

“Rafael, no,” Sonny starts, and Rafael feels his heart fall to his stomach. “I am happy.”

Rafael stares in disbelief. “Then, why…?”

Sonny looks straight at Rafael. “I’m a coward, Rafael. I’ve always known that. And I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have shut you out.”

“Why did you?”

Suddenly Sonny is looking at the floor. “It’s complicated.”

Rafael nods. “Uh huh?” he says, wanting to understand.

“Well, I can try to explain it, but… just know it wasn’t because I was unhappy. None of this is your fault, Rafi, none of it.”

It’s a small comfort, but a comfort nevertheless. Sonny isn’t unhappy. But there’s something. _Fault?_ These words sound an awful lot like words one might use in a break-up, even if Rafael had indeed privately blamed himself earlier. He tells himself to just keep breathing.

“I guess it’s stupid, but I- I never expected this. I never expected to be this happy, I never expected to be loved. And I guess it was just a shock that you do.”

Rafael looks at Sonny with deep concern, but he doesn’t interrupt.

“It’s always me, you know? Falling too deep, too fast. And I thought it was happening again, because I thought… nothing ever changes. And you being… you, I just really didn’t expect you to say it first.”

Rafael’s concern is joined by confusion and disbelief.

“And I guess I couldn’t just accept that like a normal person, I couldn’t just… be glad things were going my way for the first time. I had to question it.”

“Sonny…”

“I thought, maybe you just said it in the heat of the moment, or maybe, maybe I’d imagined it because I wanted it so much-”

“No,” Rafael says softly. “That’s not true. Sonny,” he takes a breath, “I don’t want to freak you out, but I’ve known that I love you _long_ before we even started dating. I just did. And I’ve been trying not to say it, because I didn’t want to scare you, but it’s always on my mind, how much I love you, and I just couldn’t keep it in then, so I suppose you could say it had something to do with the heat of the moment, but I absolutely did mean it, and I did say it, and it’s absolutely the truth.” Rafael looks at Sonny in earnest, lacing their fingers together gently. “I love you, Sonny.”

Rafael sees tears start to form in Sonny’s eyes and he barely has time to contemplate the reason for those tears because then Sonny is surging forward to kiss him, and the kiss is surprisingly light. It’s a kiss that says _I’m here with you and I’m not going anywhere._

“Oh. Well,” Rafael breathes, as Sonny pulls back.

“Thank you for telling me,” Sonny murmurs. “And I’m sorry for shutting you out.”

“You don’t have to apologize, Sonny,” Rafael assures, thumb rubbing at Sonny’s wrist. “But I want you to know that you can talk to me, always, no matter what it is. That is, if you want to.”

“I want to,” Sonny says with a small smile, giving his hand a reassuring squeeze. “You make everything better, Rafi.”

Rafael reaches up to caress Sonny’s face. “I feel the same way,” he replies with a smile that’s almost a smirk, but not quite.

Sonny smiles, choking back a laugh. He’s happy.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading, I love comments so feel free to leave some! Hope you liked it :)


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